Respecting your loved one's final wishes

One of the enduring pressures of arranging a funeral is trying to make sure that you give your loved one the send off that they would have wanted for themselves. The surest way for that to happen would be for all of us to be very clear ahead of time about what we want for our own funerals.

Unfortunately, for those left to organise the funeral, very few people actually plan ahead for their funeral and it's not uncommon for final wishes to be unclear.

According to research carried out in 2024 by insurance company SunLife, although most people have clear ideas about what type of funeral they'd like, very few of us have spoken about this with our family or friends. Almost 20% of their survey respondents didn't know any about the preferences for the funerals they'd organised; only 1% knew all the wishes of the deceased.

Legal obligations

Planning ahead can make it easier to organise a truly personal send off, but the reality is that, however specific the final wishes of the deceased, they're not present to know if their wishes have been carried out. And where funeral wishes have been specified in writing, even as part of an official document like a Will, they're still not legally binding.

The Executors appointed by the Will are technically responsible for making decisions related to funeral arrangements. However, as the law stands at the moment, Executors aren't legally obliged to follow any funeral wishes expressed in the Will.

In most instances, the funeral will be arranged by the family members who feel best able to take on the task. But with emotions heightened, this can lead to conflict within families if there's disagreement over aspects of how the funeral service is planned and conducted.

Acknowledging that a person with clear funeral wishes has no guarantee these will be carried out, and that the lack of clarity can cause family conflict, the Law Commission has recommended that expressed funeral wishes become legally binding. For the time being, however, it remains with family and friends to try their best to make sure their loved one's final wishes are respected.

Avoid conflict

The death of a close relative should be a time for families to come together, but sometimes tension can arise over funeral arrangements.

Common areas of dispute range from decisions over whether someone should be buried or cremated to where the service or the wake should be held and who should officiate. Families may also disagree about the service, from flowers to hymn choices or even the general tone of the funeral, whether it's a more traditional service or a celebration of life. And of course, budget can become a bone of contention very quickly.

Details can also matter greatly, like who's included in the obituary. Think carefully about who's named and either name everyone, or restrict the names used to just the very closest family members and include other 'loving family and friends' more generally.

Some questions to ask

You may not know the exact answer to every question that comes up in relation to arranging the funeral, but it's important to think about the key decisions you'll need to make in the context of what your loved one might have wanted.

• Will it be a burial or a cremation?

• What funeral director will you use?

• Who will conduct the service?

• What style of coffin will you choose?

• Where will the burial be or where will you scatter the ashes?

• Who will attend the funeral?

• What flowers, music and readings will you choose?

• What is your budget?

• Will you have flowers or choose a charity for memorial donations?

• What will be the location of the wake?

In answering these questions, try to imagine how your loved one would answer. If disagreements do develop, the most important thing to remember is that these shouldn't be allowed to colour the act of remembering.

You may not agree with everyone's thoughts on how the funeral should be, but it's important to remember that everyone is grieving together and respect their views. In all conversations about planning the funeral, a kind and considerate approach may be best. Any disagreements can only take away from everyone's last chance to pay their respects to your loved one. Where you feel plans are unacceptable, avoid confrontation and explain your feelings calmly in private conversation.